"Oh God, I was gonna be cool..."
Or, y’know, that thing called “Passover.”
Or the whole thing with Noah’s Ark where he killed off everything in the world except Noah and his family, and two of every animal. Y’know, no big deal. Just millions of people.
90% of the Old Testament is about God killing people in temper tantrums
Are we not going to mention Jesus?
Oh my god.
the assassination of franz ferdinand was actually the most hilariously botched assassination attempt of all time though like i can’t even explain to you how badly it went i mean there were six guys and the first one chickened out and the second one forgot to factor in the delay on a hand grenade so it exploded like three cars past the archduke’s so the guy took a cyanide pill and threw himself into a river, but the cyanide was expired and the river was six inches deep so the police just pulled him out and took him off to jail and then everyone else basically gave up and headed home, and then the driver of the archduke took a wrong turn and the car stalled next to the last of the six guys, and he was just like “what a crazy random happenstance” and started world war one
THIS LEAVES OUT THE BEST PART. Gavrilo Princip was ordering a sandwich when the car took a wrong turn and he IN THE MIDDLE OF ORDERING A DAMN SANDWICH turned around and shot the archduke
WHOEVER BUYS THIS FOR ME WINS MY ETERNAL LOVE
I OWN THIS
EVERY MORNING HE SAYS SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT HOW THE WORLD NEEDS YOU AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP
AND WHEN YOU PRESS THE BUTTON TO HUSH HIM HE SAYS “DEFTLY DONE, MADAM,” OR “IF IT’S NOT TOO FORWARD OF ME, THAT DID TICKLE, MADAM”
IT WAKES YOU UP WITH THE SOUND OF CHIRPING BIRDS BEFORE STEPHEN FRY’S VOICE
EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE
THIS IS LIKE JARVIS.
A REAL JARVIS EXCEPT HE’S A CLOCK.
literally my favorite thing about the ENTIRE MOVIE is thinking about this. bc. okay. there are three avengers who could easily ascend stark tower and reach tony’s apartment and three who’d have to ride along. so did hulk grab steve and tony grab clint and thor grab natasha and all just fly up there with varying degrees of grace? or did they, as a group, walk into the lobby of stark tower and push the elevator button and wait for it to open? did hulk fit? did they shuffle around because they set off the weight alarm? and like, tony and steve go up? and clint and thor? and natasha waits with hulk last because she’s starting to feel real warm toward him? or did they all go up together? silent and exhausted? hulk nodding his head to the muzak?
EVERY POSSIBILITY IS A DELIGHT.
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.
you’ve got to be kidding me
I am in physical pain
cute story: I have a friend with a prosthetic arm, and he once confided in me that, after seeing this movie, he’s always wanted someone to ask him for this. Then, the one day, I was at the grocery store with him and a couple other people, and one of our friends couldn’t reach a box on the shelf and asked him, “Dude gimme a hand here”. And, I swear to christ he practiced this because the speed at which he slipped off his prosthesis was blinding, and then he hurled his arm at her. He, unfortunately, got a tad overexcited, and instead of it just landing near her, it spun out and essentially bitchslapped her in mid-air.
Now we say it all the time around him, and he blames Disney for the fact that he has no girlfriend.
it spun out and essentially bitchslapped her in mid-air.
Thor: Thor sleeps anywhere, and naked. This has caused a few issues.
Steve: on his back or side, straight as he can, barely moving. This is a habit left over from camps and barracks, squashed in with other soldiers, and from before, from the cold bitter new York winters when he was a kid. The cold was dangerous for him, screwed with his lungs, so every night Bucky would come to his place and squeeze into his narrow bed to keep him warm. He was like a furnace. Steve’s elbows and knees were sharp as knives so he made sure to keep extra still so his friend would be comfortable. Bucky’s warmth probably saved his life.
Natasha: Fetal position. Natasha curls up like a cat, all curved limbs and tousled hair, one hand by her face. She looks innocent, almost at peace. This is because her other hand is wrapped around the gun beneath her pillow.
Tony: Sleeps spreadeagle, mouth open, limbs splayed, wherever he collapses. He goes days and days without sleep; he is the wraith in Avengers tower, making coffee and scrambled eggs at 4am and disappearing back to his lab. Steve’s not much for sleep either, and he’s the only one besides Pepper who can gain access to Tony’s workshop, so he often goes downstairs to find Tony passed out on the floor with a wrench clutched in his fist and oil in his hair. If Tony ever wonders why he falls asleep on the workshop floor and wakes up in his bed with his shoes removed, he never mentions it to Steve.
Bruce: sleeps more than any of them. It’s maybe a metabolism thing. Hulking out uses up a lot of energy, so whenever he shrinks back to regular Bruce-size he eats enough for three and then sleeps for at least 16 hours. He sleeps in fetal position like Natasha, but tighter, knees tucked up almost to his chest, his whole body a clenched fist. It looks almost painful. He frowns and mutters to himself, and sometimes he cries out. There is an unspoken agreement amongst the rest of the team that they won’t mention it.
Clint: Sleeps with his eyes open. Sitting up. On the couch, or on top of the fridge, or on the stairs. Basically wherever affords the best position to scare the shit out of Tony at 3 in the morning.
so I’m reading through this, and I’m like “wow, this is spot-on, this person has a really good grasp of the avengers”
and then I read clint’s
and now I am crying.